Your eyes

Dear God,

whew.
today was...intense. and it's not even over yet! give me your strength to face whatever else you have in store for me before i lay my tired head down on my pillow tonight

i just wanna start off by thanking you for some of the simple things you allowed me to experience today.
thank you for my bed. sometimes i hate the morning so much i forget what a blessing it is that i actually have somewhere safe and comfortable to sleep at night. and what a blessing it is that youve allowed me to wake up...and experience you here on earth another day...another day to love people and seek you. another day to hope for heaven and not in this world. thank you for a heater and electricity. thank you for my car, i dont realize how much of a luxury it is. huge, and i dont think ive ever stopped to really appreciate it. or properly thank my parents...i am so selfish! thank you for coffee and cheerful cc's employees. thank you for the opportunity to work. thank you for music (i really love music! my little ears get so happy when i hear it. thanks for creating it and for giving people beautiful voices to sing it!) thank you for a roommate who cares so much for me...wow God you really blow me away with how you love me through eva. :) God---- you're soooo cool! as soon as i wrote that about eva she came in my room and asked me if she could pray for me and how i was doing... your love astounds me, thanks for meeting my every need-big and little. she is such a blessing beyond words...thanks for the refuge and the people there...for free dinner tonight and for laughs with friends. for the freedom to be real with some good girls...thank you for hot showers and clean drinking water....for life...for your love...for your plan...for Jesus...for forgiveness and grace and restoration...for reaching out even when i push you away....for holding me when i cry. for WHO YOU ARE. i love you for who you are....not b/c youve given me any of these things...i just want you to know how thankful i am for them. i know i dont deserve them and i dont need them...youre enough. thanks for reminding me youre all the matters, i can be so forgetful sometimes!

grace.

thank you God.

today was so hard. i woke up in a state as far as from peace as possible...my flesh was out of control. selfish. ungrateful. anxious. demanding. whiny. doubtful. neglectful.
exhausted. washed out. empty. confused. full of pain.
felt like i was dead.
and the truth is that's all i'd ever be without you.

thanks for giving me a wake up call real quick. you knew just how to get my attention...
you gave me visions...ive prayed to see through your eyes and today...you literally made that happen.
visions: of starving children in africa...freezing homeless people in baton rouge, new york, cities all over america...persecuted christians in other countries....lonely teenagers dealing with depression...a girl starring at a positive pregnancy test...a family devastated by unexpected loss...orphans...drug addicts...a lonely wife...prisoner...single mom working 3 jobs...victims of cancer-young and old...young couple experiencing a miscarriage...a little girl looking in the mirror with a blank stare. those are just some...
God..my heart stopped, everything stopped and then i felt their pain...i feel it. real pain...i felt the hopelessness. it took my breath away. my selfishness brought me to my knees...crying out to you. sick to my stomach at the ridiculous complaints id uttered in just an hour of being awake! you KNEW i would wake up today and not even acknowledge you or others b/c i was so consumed with MY pain...yet you loved me anyway. you loved me so much that you brought me back to you and rocked me with strong arms. you showed me your heart and the sufferings of the beautiful people youve individually created. and then You set me back on my feet and gave me strength and discipline to get through my few hours of work knowing that it's all for a bigger purpose.
you reassured me that though my heart is broken you will mend it..and that youve given me a burden for the lost for a reason and that you have a plan to use me to reach some of them for your glory. to give them your hope! ..and cleaning that house today from top to bottom like i do every tuesday was an important step of the journey you have laid out for me....

your plans are the best!

i know this is a hard time for me. my heart is aching. I know it's ok to hurt. i know i have to hurt so i can heal. i cant bury it. i know you dont want that for me. but i have You God. and You will heal me. you will finish what you have started in me. you are enough...i know you want to heal my heart and make me flourish so you can use me to the fullest and i can experience your joy without limitations but even when i am broken-i have YOU. I HAVE YOU. i have you so i can give You to others who dont...i just want everyone to know you Lord. my heart is crying for those people you showed me today...i can see their faces and still when i close my eyes i see their tears falling...it's like i can hear their thoughts written all over their faces...i just want to hug them...to speak truth...all i can do is pray and wait for you to lead me to whoever you want me to love each day....

thanks for first loving me so i can love others.

God those people...all those people you put on my heart please use someone to bring them your hope today/tonight/tomorrow SOON...please use me to be a light to everyone i come in contact with-in whatever way you choose-even though im broken, use me and open my eyes God. i wanna see all things like you do! give me the strength to bear it bc i trust in your promise that you have a plan for each person in this world...

thank you for waking me up today

i can hurt but i wont wallow. i wasnt created for that.

and that was just a recap of the first two hours of my day...

i love you God.
ill write again soon

xoxo,
ty

p.s. thank you for my family